Chastain

Selective Selfishness

There a many, many things to hate about divorce, but the worst thing I hate is that it forces you to be selfish.

I recall that after C left and moved out, one of the first things people told me was that I needed to begin to think about myself... to take care of myself. This was not an easy concept for me to grasp, since I saw marriage as always putting the other persons interests above your own. For most of my adult life, I had lived in a marriage where I felt that concept was lived out... or at least so it seemed. But now, to be told to put that idea aside and begin to look out for your own interests first and foremost... that was just foreign.

I am understanding more and more the need to be selfish, especially in regards to my relationship with C. It's sounds harsh to say this, but she did what she felt she had to do to meet her needs. This is not a statement of judgement... it's a statement of fact. And although it has felt at times intensely personal, it wasn't. In meeting your needs at the expense of others needs, you have to "turn off" thinking about how your actions effect the other person. You might feel sadness or pain at hurting someone later, but in the moment of choosing what is best for you, you cannot consider the other person's feelings. There's a certain disconnect that occurs at that very moment. I am beginning to understand that disconnect more and more each day.

Right now, I am excercising the muscle of selective selfishness in my life. There are some people and instances (mainly my kids) that warrant my complete attention and devotion. There are others that don't. Now it's up for me to choose which of these are in my best interest.

Mind Chatter

I wake up most nights and think. My mind is a bundle of thoughts and never seems to stop trying to figure shit out. Maybe it's that my job involves problem-solving or maybe it's just the way I am wired... but it seems my mind is always working.

Sometimes things are so very clear to me.

Sometimes things are very muddy.

I guess that's the nature of thought.

Someone told me that the best way to turn of the "mind chatter" is with medication. But I can't do that. I do not want to be numb to the lessons that are to be learned in these moments. I want to hear all that the chatter has to say, even if it is confusing at times. In the midst of it all I am certain there are some really good things for me to hear.

The Perfect Teacher

One of my favorite authors and speakers, Pema Chodron, boils down how we can learn from life's difficult moments in her book When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times. She writes the following:

Generally speaking, we regard discomfort in any form as bad news. But for practitioners or spiritual warriors — people who have a certain hunger to know what is true — feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we're holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in, when we feel we'd rather collapse and back away. They're like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we're stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it's with us wherever we are.

Those events and people in our lives who trigger our unresolved issues could be regarded as good news. We don't have to go hunting for anything. We don't need to try to create situations in which we reach our limit. They occur all by themselves, with clockwork regularity.

Each day, we're given many opportunities to open up or shut down. The most precious opportunity presents itself when we come to the place where we think we can't handle whatever is happening. It's too much. It's gone too far. We feel bad about ourselves. There's no way we can manipulate the situation to make ourselves come out looking good. No matter how hard we try, it just won't work. Basically, life has just nailed us....

Most of us do not take these situations as teachings. We automatically hate them. We run like crazy. We use all kinds of ways to escape — all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can't stand it. We feel we have to soften it, pad it with something, and we become addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain. In fact, the rampant materialism that we see in the world stems from this moment. There are so many ways that have been dreamt up to entertain us away from the moment, soften its hard edge, deaden it, so we don't have to feel the full impact of the pain that arises when we cannot manipulate the situation to make us come out looking fine....

Basically, disappointment, embarrassment, and all these places where we just cannot feel good, are a sort of death. We've just lost our ground completely; we are unable to hold it together and feel that we're on top of things. Rather than realizing that it takes death for there to be birth, we just fight against the fear of death.

Reaching our limit is not some kind of punishment. It's actually a sign of health that, when we meet the place where we are about to die, we feel fear and trembling. A further sign of health is that we don't become undone by fear and trembling, but we take it as a message that it's time to stop struggling and look directly at what's threatening us. Things like disappointment and anxiety are messengers telling us that we're about to go into unknown territory....

The spiritual journey involves going beyond hope and fear, stepping into unknown territory, continually moving forward. The most important aspect of being on the spiritual path may be to just keep moving.

Seinfeld on Larry King

This is pretty funny. Larry King has always been a clueless interviewer and finally Seinfeld calls him on it.

Asking A Lot of Love

I was watching the show "Tell Me You Love Me" on HBO the other night. If you have seen it, you know it is a train-wreck of a show, where all of these relationships are in the various stages of turmoil. It's hard to watch but sometimes you just can't turn away from a train-wreck.

Here's a quote from the show that I found quite powerful:

We ask a lot of love. All of the things we don't like in ourselves, we expect somehow love will change. That's a pretty difficult task for something so fragile.

I have come to learn or believe that every romantic relationship is actually in turmoil, it's just that most of the time people don't recognize it or want to admit it. Not to be such a big downer on a Sunday morning, but if you are in a relationship, you are most likely in turmoil...but you may not be aware. What I mean is this...if you could really pull back the curtain on your loved one's thoughts and feelings and get inside to their innermost wants and needs...I think you would find that they are wanting and needing something that you aren't or cannot provide. You might also find that there is something that you are doing or not doing that is causing pain...and they've mentioned it or alluded to it, but you haven't responded. So eventually they bury it, or excuse it or ignore it or numb it somehow...and stay with you in spite of it.

That's turmoil. It just hasn't risen to the surface. And it may never come out to meet you. Your life and relationship may move merrily along down the path but lurking beneath that polished exterior is turmoil. It's waiting for the right opportunity to come out and play.

In my opinion...it must come out. We must reveal all of our inner longings to those we love. It might hurt and it might be ugly and things might not resolve themselves immediately.

We must not just sit back and try to be in control of the people around us. We can't sit there and be frustrated when they aren't doing what we want, when we want, and how we want. Ultimately that only leads to a greater and more unmanageable chaos. We must begin to tell our spouses, our lovers and our closest family and friends WHAT we want. Make it clear, get it out on the table...and then if they can't give you what you want then the both of you have a decision to make... but at least you know.

Knowing is better than not knowing. Hope is better than no hope. Truth is better than turmoil.

Garry Kasparov

This interview with Garry Kasparov on the Bill Maher Show was very enlightening. As was discussed later, there is a freshness and openness to his responses that our candidates don't have. Our politicians always seem to be so damn condescending. Regardless of his politics, his manner and style were refreshing to say the least. I also thought he had some good insights.

A Letter to My Friends

Dear Friends....

I wanted you to know that I am contacting a therapist today and going to start counseling.

I am not quite sure why I am telling you this... but I know many of you have wanted me to do this for awhile. Plus, I need accountability and so I am telling the people I know and that care about me and have been there with me through things the past couple of years.

I have grown a lot in the past two years and tried on my own to work through things... but I can only go so far on my own. I need help to go the rest of the way. This is an investment I need to make for me and my kids so that I can be the man and dad they need me to be.

Thanks so much for your friendship. I appreciate you.

The Fires of So Cal

Well, I know to the outside world it seems that all of Southern California is going up in flames... and well, it kind of is.

At this point San Diego is obviously the worst, but we have had our own problems here in Orange County. If you watch the news, I live in Portola Hills and the fire that is being called the Santiago Canyon fire is happening all around me. We were under voluntary evacuation last night, but me and my neighbors just kept watch all night, with bags loaded just in case. Fortunately we didn't need to leave, although it came closer than we would have liked. In the image below, you will see my house (green arrow) and where the fires were burning closest to my house at 5:00 this morning (that's about 1500 feet from our community).

In this image, all wilderness on the left hand side of the picture had already been consumed during the night, and this morning the fire wrapped around and came in behind us. That's the worst thing that could have happened as far as we were concerned. But the firefighters showed up around 5:45 in about 20 firetrucks and made a stand along the road and in front of the houses on the right of the picture and saved the day for many homeowners. It never made it across the road and up towards our homes due to their efforts.

As I write this, the fire is still burning and moving out towards the canyons and up the face of Saddleback Mountain and planes are out dropping water to try and get things under control. It appears my family and neighbors are out of danger but there are plenty of homes in the canyons, and a really good friend of mine is unable to know if he has a home to return to or not. 

I took the video below around 5:45 or so after the firetrucks arrived. The wind has really picked up and the blaze is moving fast at this point.

So that's the update. We are safe but smokey and our thoughts go out to many others who haven't been as fortunate. It seems the weather is going to give us a break and hopefully no other lives will be lost as a result.

What Matters

I was watching a movie this morning called "The Last Kiss". Yeah, I know, a total chick flick but I got sucked in. This guy, Michael (Zach Braff), is totally screwing up his life. He's cruising along with a great woman, Jenna (Jacinda Barrett), that loves him, they are going to have a baby together, he's got a great job and a future that looks amazing...and then along comes Kim (Rachel Bilson).

Not to ruin the movie, but let's just say Michael is tempted (who wouldn't be, after all it is Rachel Bilson) and he royally messes up. He's an idiot really. Understandably, this leads to more than a few trust issues between he and his girlfriend.

After a bit of painful drama, Michael is on the porch talking to Jenna's father, telling him how much he loves Jenna... and her father's response is this:

"Stop talking about love. Every asshole in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing. What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you say you love. That's what matters."

Then Michael asks what he should do to get her back. Her father's response:

"You do whatever it takes."

Good movie. Made me cry. Yeah, I'm a girl, I know it. But maybe you've had to be there.

Starting Again.... Again!

Well, I thought I would start my personal blog again. So much has been going on inside my head and at times I want to share it all...

I like to write. I like to share whats on my mind. Not just personally or spiritually or emotionally, but all types of subjects. I have that other little site to share things regarding the church, but nowhere that I really feel free to share more of the personal side of things.

It could be music, or sports, or politics, or TV... whatever.

I just wanted a little space to call my own.

So there you go.

And don't hold me to anything on here... it's just the things running through my brain. Tomorrow it all may change.